if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
