if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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