Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
we're making bets on your personal life
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize