Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
