Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
