two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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