Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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