I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
