Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
