FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
