i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
