Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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