Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
