you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
