During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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