Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
