oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
