I cannot find my penis.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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