Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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