Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
