My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
