i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
