I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
