I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
