I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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