explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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