i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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