Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
