just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
