You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You ate ashes out of my bong
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
