Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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