The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
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