mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
