I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Of course I have a pirate flag
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
