did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You are a genius and a whore.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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