I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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