Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
