The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I touched a dick in church today
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
