You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
