Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
