do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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