If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
dude. I can hear the air.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize