As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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