The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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