toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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