Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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