Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
