apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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