I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
