I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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