I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
