He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
How does one acquire holy water?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
