I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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