I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
