Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
