We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
