I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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