Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
