Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Enjoy the penises
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize